I have not edited her post in any way, for reasons that will become apparent. I offer no moral to the story, no judgement of Stella or you. I simply offer this as someone else's story.
A colourful blur, that’s how i see the world. Like an
artists palette the colours of the things in the world blend together. I cant
see faces or the definition of a flower but it doesn’t stop me. It used to
though
Fat that was me A big blob of oozing fat. An image of the
tub of lard mum used to keep in our fridge as kids popped into my head that was
me. I was disgusting; i could feel the fat seeping through my pores. I broke
down and cried. I’d finally had enough I hated myself. I hated not being bale
to see properly, I hated the cane that my mobility officer was so keen for me
to use. I hated feeling like a victim i looked at the knife in my hand and then
i heard a voice.
Tentatively i stepped on the scales, i couldn’t see the numbers so used a camera
to take a photo and then blew it up on the computer until i could make them
out. I’m not totally blind just vision impaired enough to be classed as legally
blind but you learn ways to make it work you have to. 125kgs. I was shocked i asked
my son if it was right. He said yup but its OK mum its just a number. Such a
wise 14 year old. He held my hand when
we walked into the gym knowing how nervous and uncomfortable i was. He was my
rock a 14year old kid was the one who changed my life.
It wasn’t easy stepping into a gym obese and also being VI
It takes me a while to orientate myself to new places but i had to do
something. They were all so young and blonde and well ditzy. I don’t think they
got it or cared but that was good meant i got left alone. I kind of knew what
to do from the zillion previous attempts to lose weight. This time though was
different I had a fire in my belly that i was taking back control.
I did weights, my son wrote my program it was kind of cute
having him fuss over me his dream was to be a physio, learning difficulties
stood in his way but when it came to compassion he was miles ahead. and i swam well sort of splashed up and down the
pool i used to stick a kickboard into my shorts to help me float. And i walked in the park. I used the internet
and found calorie king a free site where you can log what you eat and it told
you how many cals you had and gave you an amount to eat each day. The weight came of 1kg a week
After a few weeks i felt good i was on a treadmill and
decided to try running 20seconds i lasted. This disgusted me i knew i was unfit
but i knew that was bad. I had a new goal to learn to run. I found couch to 5
km a walk to run program and began it the next day with a couple of changes
Before long i was running 3 km on a treadmill and wanted to
run outside. But how can someone run outside who cant see the path. Cant make
out pot holes or debris. Slowly.
A year later 55kg lighter i ran my first ultra marathon
55km. 1 km for ever kg i lost. That was the beginning of a new chapter. Over
that year my marriage broke down. I left the state i went in search of myself a
real life , eat, pray, love. I met many angels along the way that helped me
find myself, learned to accept my disability as just an obstacle. I learnt to
trust myself, to trust my senses.
Its been 4 years since that journey began. I no longer use a
cane. I found an amazing optometrist who
made me glasses to help me with my running and work. I trained to be a personal
trainer. I now run my own business as well as running a program for homeless
people to get their lives back.
I’ve had to overcome many obstacles, I was diagnosed with MS
a year ago another blow but not a life sentence. Ive learnt that these diseases
affect us a lot more if we give into them. Its all about learning to overcome
your obstacles not let them control you.
This year i am running my first 100km, a 24 hour track event
and doing some open water swims. Yes i did learn to swim thanks to a wonderful
coach who like me thinks outside the box.
There is nothing you cannot do guys. Just some things you
haven’t worked out yet. If you don’t know how to get there ask Matt or me. Finding
someone who doesn’t say cant but says ok lets figure out how is a godsend.
The depression that started this journey still lingers. The
voice was a part of myself a part that had been crushed by years of feeling not
good enough being told i was useless worthless. The child who held her mother
while she died unable to revive her. Blaming
myself for something out of my control. The girl who at 16 was abused by
several men. A secret that was never spoken of. That child decided she wanted a
turn at life, that I was making a mess of things and it was time to give her a
chance. So i did and what a powerful rollercoaster it has been. Letting go of
the past embracing the future. Not looking at what people say i cant or
shouldn’t do but asking myself what i want to do.
We all have the tools to take control back we just need to
make the first step to ask someone if we don’t know how. I now have a list of
things i want to accomplish
Swim the channel
Run 100km
Kokoda
Run from Melbourne to Cairns
Have a nude photo taken
Develop a program to help others find their way
Write a book
Learn to sail
And most of all find peace and be happy
Some things the hurdle is the cost, others its just finding
the confidence to take the first step but slowly and surely im ticking things
off my impossible list and adding bigger brighter things. Its good to have big
hairy goals Its amazing when you tick them off.
Heck if i can do it with all my health issues whats stopping you
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